The subtitle of this journal very appropriate for me. If you're not familiar, the River Lethe is in the river of forgetfulness or oblivion that runs through the Greek-Roman Underworld. The average shade would drink from the river after having crossed the River Styx and forget their lives as they roamed the underworld. This was the fate of the average person; not good or heroic to be rewarded by going to the Elysium Fields and not evil enough to be punished in Tartarus. Lethe (Oblivio in Latin) was the goddess/nymph of the river of the same name.
The type of MS I have is slowly robbing me of my memories and making it difficult to form new ones. I no longer remember my first kiss. I know it happened, and I think I know who it was when I was in high school, but I can't describe it. All I have left are dry facts. (Name redacted) was my first kiss, I think. That's it. I don't know anymore how old I was, which grade I was in, which grade he was in (I was a grade ahead), or where it happened.
That's just one example out of many, and who knows what memories are gone that I don't even have the dry facts for? For example, I was looking for a place in the rodent cemetery in my back yard (where the pet rats and mice I've had over the past 7 years have been laid to rest) for Mycroft's grave. He had a major stroke or aneurysm on 11/29/15 at about 8pm, when I noticed he couldn't move and had fresh blood coming out of his right ear. Hubby and I didn't think he'd make it through the night, but he did, so he was euthanized at about 10am 11/30/15. Due to 2 flooding rain events, we haven't been able to bury him until now (he's been in the freezer, wrapped in a purple shroud).
I have a Draw document with the names and locations of the graves, which needed updating badly. Fortunately I also had a Write document that was a list and mini-biography for every rat we've had. I'd completely forgotten three of my rats until I saw their names on the list and read their bios. Over 2 years of having each of them, and I can't remember two of the three at all. Empty spot in my memory, like a hole.
How many things have I forgotten completely? Who have I forgotten?
What will be next?
When will I forget my husband?
When will I forget myself?
Edit: Crossposted from https://musa-urania.dreamwidth.org/770.html
. The title of that journal is "Escape From Reality: One Sip from the Lethe at a Time". It seems reality follows me wherever I go.
First, I want to sincerely apologize to those who are reading this and have been wondering what the hell has happened to me over the past *cringes* two to three years. I am very sorry for having not updated, not even a paragraph to let you know if I was still alive or not. Obviously, I'm still here; my hubby is not ghost writing for me.Looking back at my previous post, this will seem somewhat similar, aside from the self-admit to the psych unit. No more in-patient psych treatment.I have read every comment left on my previous post, and even if I didn't respond, I do appreciate every one of them. I know that psych illnesses really mess with brain chemistry, and that there's not much pure willpower or intellect can do to fight it, even though that's how I've fought every other major illness I've had (or have) in my life. But there's what one knows and then there's reality, which don't always mix well.I'm not going to apologize for having an illness, but I am apologizing for worrying you, dear reader, for not having posted a sentence or two along the lines of "Not dead, still fighting my own brain chemistry. Try not to worry too much."On the up side, I'm on a new antidepressant for Major Depressive Disorder, Viibryd, and it is the first one I've ever been on that is non-sedating, which makes all the difference in the world. I went off my old meds (like most psych patients do at some point, despite knowing better) and didn't notice any difference. So I mentally went "fuck it" and pretty much slept the past 2 years away. If you saw me at DragonCon, that was the longest I was out of bed and doing anything for the year. I've started on the new regimen which includes therapy and the new med earlier this year and the difference has been amazing. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. I've started writing again, some fanfic and one original work, plus even painting when I have a few hours to spend in my studio undisturbed. Hopefully, some fanfic will start showing up here again. I've even started working on my epic SGA fic again (lvs2read, you know the one ;) ), despite having started it a truly sad number of years ago, like when SGA was still airing...At least I didn't delete it, or lose it when I transferred my files to the new computer.I plan on being at DragonCon again this year. I tried to enter the art show but that was a bust, I think I may have waited too long. I still plan on bringing some of my paintings to show off, if anyone is interested, and to try to sell (hey, might as well try) to anyone interested, whether I know the person or not. I'd just like to get my artwork out of my house and in someone else's, if not a gallery.On the up side, I've started modeling again in the art department at my Alma Mater. They could always use models who aren't "stick figures", which is apparently what many of the female models they had been using looked like. Now, I'm not trying to belittle anyone's body size or shape, but for art school, instructors and students prefer female models with curves (think nudes from the 1600 and 1700s, or from Ancient Greece). The last time I modeled, earlier this year, while I was changing after the drawing session I heard a couple of students talking through the door (I was in a closet off the classroom) saying that, to paraphrase, "She's an amazing model, I loved the poses she did. And she looks like a Greek statue. Beautiful." That made my year and gave my confidence the boost it needed for me to do the summer semester painting class I'll be starting in a couple of weeks. I may or may not post some pictures of the students' works, depending on if I get permission to take a photo of the painting and just how much of me I'm willing to show online, even if it is a painting and not a photograph of me.That's enough rambling for now. Although I do have one request: since I am getting back into writing but am having problems with deciding what to write, if you wouldn't mind leaving a SGA or SGU prompt in the comments, I'd love it. I just need something to get the writing muscles in shape again. Also, any SGU prompts will be my first SGU fic (I watched both seasons over 3 days while I was ill a couple of months ago), but haven't written anything yet. I'll write anything: any pairing; any rating; any situation. No guarantee on the length, but it will be something.Thank you for reading this and for your understanding.Rhian
PS. Apparently LJ doesn't like Google Chrome, or else I just haven't updated my journal to be compatible. Ahh, good old Firefox to the rescue.
So, where have I been? Most recently, I spent a few days inpatient at a local hospital's Behavioral Health Unit (AKA Psych Unit) for an acute mental health crisis.
This isn't something I usually bring up, my mental illness, so it will probably be a while before I write about it again - although I probably should more often, even if no one else reads it, just to have expressed what is going on as a part of the healing process.
I have been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and Bipolar II. Some of the diagnoses are newer than others, but none of the conditions are. Most of them I've been dealing with for over a decade, some closer to two.
Intellectually, I know what the root cause of each of them are - family pre-disposition; past events; my other health problems, especially the chronic pain; an imbalance in the neurotransmitters serotonin, norephinephrine, and dopamine; and even the medications I take for some of my physical health problems.
Anyway, since I'm being more honest here than I was in group therapy, I went in not just because I was having a really bad couple of days, but because I was starting to consider suicide as an option, after having generally torn the living room up throwing shit around (as much as I could manage) and almost strangling one of the pet rats to death. That's what I mean by having a "bad day", a short-term crisis would be the clinical description.
I could have checked myself out at any time, but I did wait until I was discharged, the docs saw that it was a short-term crisis, and once I started on some new medication that what I needed was time in a familiar environment to wait for the meds to fully kick in. That will take at least another 1-2 weeks for the meds (Cymbalta) to build up in my system, although it could take as long as 12 weeks.
I haven't really told this to anyone else because it seemed selfish, to just make any conversation about me without asking the other person "how are you doing?" So I just dropped out, stopped having any sort of contact, sitting around and doing nothing. I've been afraid of becoming another whining person on LJ going "Look at how bad my problems are. Pay attention to me. Woe is me." Part of me knows that's not what I'm doing, but the rational part of my mind isn't always in control.
Anyway, that's what's been going on. Depression = lack of creativity, which leads to doing a whole lot of nothing except withdrawing from the world. I'm working on that, it will just take time.
Yep, I'll be there and hope to see some of you there. I'm Mira_Oubliette on Twitter, which might be a good way to get a hold of me.
Pics to come after the con.
Happy Holiday, everyone!
Long time, no post. My grandmother's death hit me harder than I thought it would. Hence, me not being online.
In new news, I managed to break my wrist Friday night. In about eight hours I will see an orthopedic surgeon to render the final verdict on what treatment I need. I did go to the ER and am currently wearing a temporary cast. Technically, I have a complete fracture of my left distal radius. I think I broke the growth plate off. After doing some research online, it should not require surgery.
I'm actually dictating this post instead of typing it. The voice recognition software in Vista is actually really good. The only downside is Firefox does not play well with the voice recognition. So I'm composing this post in notepad, and then I'll copy and paste it into LJ.
I'll be in a cast for the next two months, and by that time I should be really good at using the voice recognition software, so I may not stop using it when I get my cast off. LOL
Anyway, I'm off to bed since I want to call the orthopedist as soon as the office opens in a few hours. I'll let you know what I find out.
Everyone who will be at DragonCon, I'll see you there and I'll bring my sharpie markers for any one who wants to decorate my cast.
There's been good and bad, as usual. We'll get the bad news over with first.
Friday morning (6-4-10), my Grandmother died. She'd been in a nursing for a couple of years, and within the past 6 months my Grandad, who died 9 years ago, started visiting her. She enjoyed his visits, it made her day. So no one told her anything to the contrary. Last Thursday she had been sleeping 22 hours a day for the previous 2 weeks, waking only for meals, and Mom and my uncles decided to put a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order in her chart on Friday.
Friday morning she made that decision for them. Her heart stopped in her sleep, she was sent to the hospital, and was declared dead in 10 minutes. From my experience, I know that means they did one round of defibrillation, CPR, and one round of cardiac drugs. The ER doc knew there was no real point, but by law he had to try.
I wasn't able to make it up to Indiana for the funeral, since I wasn't in any shape to make a 300 mile car trip, but my family understands. Enough are medical professionals to know that I shouldn't make 300 car trips, regardless of the circumstances.
On the up side, I'm a patient of a new pain center. I called Friday and was seen Monday as a new patient. The doc did a set of facet injections (cortisone and lidocaine into the joints causing me the most pain), and is backing me down on the opiates. I'll be going to Physical Therapy for a range of motion evaluation this Friday (which is on site), and attending weekly classes on coping techniques (also on site).
This is all required by my doc, but I realized it keeps the drug-seekers away. "I don't want to go through all this crap, I just want my pills..." They even have addiction recovery counseling on site, if needed. It's a full mind/body practice, which works for me.
Other things that have been working for me - acupuncture. I've been going 3 days a week for 3 weeks now, and that has helped quite a bit, especially when the herniated disc in my neck flared up and I partially lost use of my right arm for a couple of weeks. After next week I'll probably drop back to once a week on the acupuncture, unless something else flares up.
Let's see...aside from the cortisone from forcing a swing into a hypomanic phase, not much else going on right now. I've been using Twitter a lot lately; It's easier to update via my phone. I'm Mira_Oubliette if you don't already know.
I'm half-assed writing some Supernatural fics, and I guess I really should post the one here to one of the fic comms. Since TNT started airing the show from episode 1 on, I'm completely hooked now. Not that the Atlantis banner is going away anytime soon. I really need to watch my SGA DVDs for some plot ideas...
ETA: Thank you to forcryinoutloud
for the lemur. *skritches*
ETA the Second: Now accepting fic prompts in the comments. Anything goes. I don't think there isn't anything I won't write, and I'll write in fandoms that I don't usually write in (Dune, LotR, Dresden Files, etc).
First, thank you sl_podcast
, and stealth_rose
for the V-gifts. *hugs* I appreciate them very much, even if this is rather belated.
I'm still hanging on, fighting the medical crap tooth and nail like I have for the past 25 years. (Yes, my birth year is accurate, I've had Crohn's and RA/AS since I was about 8.)
Good news: I'm off the Neurontin, which is some rough shit, as far as psychiatric side effects. It's effective, but there are better meds with fewer side effects. I speak from experience, I'm on one of the newest, titration process working up to effective levels.
Bad News: I'm Bipolar. Yay! (Not that I didn't already guess that, medical professional and all.) That would explain the on/off nature of my journal. Officially, I'm Bipolar II, which means the mania isn't destructive, but gets my ass moving, doing things, like this. So I'm only being treated for the depression and when I don't sleep for a few days because the hypomania kicks in, I get stuff done. Like this.
Bad News the Second: My Neurologist is now advertising himself as a pain management specialist and has taken in a lot of new patients. And his staff, twice in a row now, has lost my request for my pain meds. So I'm over due, again. Only this time I said "Fuck him. If he won't live up to his side of the bargain, I'll get my meds elsewhere." And the staff at the clinic I went to earlier tonight, agreed that my Neuro isn't upholding his end of the bargain.( Spoilers for Supernatural 5.22Collapse )
Other News: It's late, early, whatever. I haven't been to sleep yet. Feel free to comment and I'll do my best to reply to everyone. I'll call it therapy. Get me back to socializing.
The Neurontin has finally dropped to low enough levels I'm not terribly paranoid about social contact, including the computer. It took 6 friggin' months and a therapist to get back to this point. *sigh* We'll see.
It also seems my creativity is coming back, and yes, I'm working on a project and expanding my horizons a bit to a new fandom. Which one? Well, you'll just have to wait to find out.
Yes, I'm evil.
It's good to be back.
No, I haven't died, been sucked into a microscopic black hole, or anything like that. (Obligatory I haven't posted in forever preface.)
This post isn't locked so everyone who has come here looking for new fic can know what is going on.
You may or may not know that I have a whole list of serious illnesses, or could guess from the groups I watch that aren't fandom related. Crohn's Disease, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Ankylosing Spondylitis (a form of RA that affects the spine), Multiple Sclerosis. For over a decade I've been on plain old anti-depressants. After all, with a list like that, who wouldn't be depressed, right?
I don't have depression. I'm bipolar, specifically Bipolar I.
Look at my posting dates; they're grouped. I get creative and write, create icons, paint, make jewelery, or whatever, then I stop. This is common for the creative/artistic mind.
The pendulum swings down. I fall off the crest of the wave and find myself in the trough, and it's dammed hard to swim back up to the crest. Or wait for the pendulum to swing upwards again.
See you again when I manage to get all the way back to the top of the wave. I am still swimming, instead of simply not drowning in the trough.
ETA: I was officially diagnosed as bipolar or manic-depression, whichever you like to call it, last week. I've had my suspicions for years, off and on, but never saw a specialist.
That changed when I had a mental health crisis as it's known in the medical profession. meaning I spent a lot of time on the phone one morning with a crisis counselor, or else I would have had to admit myself to the hospital and spend some quality time in the psych unit.
My entry for the most recent Porn Battle
Title: Those Left Behind
Prompts: "bonds" and "all we have left"
Notes: No spoilers, takes place after Doctor Who's "Journey's End". Spell and grammar checked, but un-betaed since she's out of town. And it was
a porn battle. Original entry here
.( They never spoke about what they were doingCollapse )
And now off to write more of River Tam's POV. It started off as a porn battle entry, but sadly, has become less porny the more I write. Plus, it's hard to keep River contained to the 4,300 character limit on comments.
I'd forgotten how much fun writing fanfic is. So, why did I stop? Oh, it probably has something to do with progressing MS symptoms and psycho-neurological medications. They're so much fun. *rolls eyes* At least I'm not partially blind anymore (YAY!) and I'm not living inside a Salvador Dali painting (that
was an interesting night). At least I think my meds are getting sorted out.