α Mira, Mira

The Joys of Multiple Sclerosis

The subtitle of this journal very appropriate for me. If you're not familiar, the River Lethe is in the river of forgetfulness or oblivion that runs through the Greek-Roman Underworld. The average shade would drink from the river after having crossed the River Styx and forget their lives as they roamed the underworld. This was the fate of the average person; not good or heroic to be rewarded by going to the Elysium Fields and not evil enough to be punished in Tartarus. Lethe (Oblivio in Latin) was the goddess/nymph of the river of the same name.

The type of MS I have is slowly robbing me of my memories and making it difficult to form new ones. I no longer remember my first kiss. I know it happened, and I think I know who it was when I was in high school, but I can't describe it. All I have left are dry facts. (Name redacted) was my first kiss, I think. That's it. I don't know anymore how old I was, which grade I was in, which grade he was in (I was a grade ahead), or where it happened.

That's just one example out of many, and who knows what memories are gone that I don't even have the dry facts for? For example, I was looking for a place in the rodent cemetery in my back yard (where the pet rats and mice I've had over the past 7 years have been laid to rest) for Mycroft's grave. He had a major stroke or aneurysm on 11/29/15 at about 8pm, when I noticed he couldn't move and had fresh blood coming out of his right ear. Hubby and I didn't think he'd make it through the night, but he did, so he was euthanized at about 10am 11/30/15. Due to 2 flooding rain events, we haven't been able to bury him until now (he's been in the freezer, wrapped in a purple shroud).

I have a Draw document with the names and locations of the graves, which needed updating badly. Fortunately I also had a Write document that was a list and mini-biography for every rat we've had. I'd completely forgotten three of my rats until I saw their names on the list and read their bios. Over 2 years of having each of them, and I can't remember two of the three at all. Empty spot in my memory, like a hole.

How many things have I forgotten completely? Who have I forgotten?

What will be next?

When will I forget my husband?

When will I forget myself?

Edit: Crossposted from https://musa-urania.dreamwidth.org/770.html. The title of that journal is "Escape From Reality: One Sip from the Lethe at a Time". It seems reality follows me wherever I go.
α Mira, Mira

Tron Fanfic - Symmetry

Title: Symmetry
Author: Rhian_Morwenna (Mira)
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Mature themes, circuit sex. (It is a kinkmeme fill after all.)
Prompt: From the Tron Kinkmeme - "Tron/Clu 2, before Clu flips his shit and becomes a villain. Or after actually, I don't think I'm picky."
Author's Notes: Read to find out whether this is before or after Clu's takeover. This is a derivative work of an existing work and is published electronically under fair use. No infringement on the original copyright owner is intended.


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α Mira, Mira

Stargate Universe Fic: An Infinite Present

Title: An Infinite Present
Author: Rhiannon -
rhian_morwenna
Rating: PG-13/Teen
Warnings/Spoilers: Occurs during “Time” (S01 E08); episode typical imagery
Prompt:
sgu_challenge prompt #1 – Midnight
Author's Notes: Dr. Rush's thoughts during the events of “Time”
. Spellchecked to death, but otherwise un-betaed. All mistakes are my own. I don't own any part of the Stargate franchise and no copyright infringement intended.

Update, 11/5/15: I don't know why I had this as private (posted 6/11/13), so here it is public for the first time.

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α Mira, Mira

Finally, an update and an apology

First, I want to sincerely apologize to those who are reading this and have been wondering what the hell has happened to me over the past *cringes* two to three years. I am very sorry for having not updated, not even a paragraph to let you know if I was still alive or not. Obviously, I'm still here; my hubby is not ghost writing for me.

Looking back at my previous post, this will seem somewhat similar, aside from the self-admit to the psych unit. No more in-patient psych treatment.

I have read every comment left on my previous post, and even if I didn't respond, I do appreciate every one of them. I know that psych illnesses really mess with brain chemistry, and that there's not much pure willpower or intellect can do to fight it, even though that's how I've fought every other major illness I've had (or have) in my life. But there's what one knows and then there's reality, which don't always mix well.

I'm not going to apologize for having an illness, but I am apologizing for worrying you, dear reader, for not having posted a sentence or two along the lines of "Not dead, still fighting my own brain chemistry. Try not to worry too much."

On the up side, I'm on a new antidepressant for Major Depressive Disorder, Viibryd, and it is the first one I've ever been on that is non-sedating, which makes all the difference in the world. I went off my old meds (like most psych patients do at some point, despite knowing better) and didn't notice any difference. So I mentally went "fuck it" and pretty much slept the past 2 years away. If you saw me at DragonCon, that was the longest I was out of bed and doing anything for the year.

I've started on the new regimen which includes therapy and the new med earlier this year and the difference has been amazing. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. I've started writing again, some fanfic and one original work, plus even painting when I have a few hours to spend in my studio undisturbed. Hopefully, some fanfic will start showing up here again. I've even started working on my epic SGA fic again (lvs2read, you know the one ;) ), despite having started it a truly sad number of years ago, like when SGA was still airing...At least I didn't delete it, or lose it when I transferred my files to the new computer.

I plan on being at DragonCon again this year. I tried to enter the art show but that was a bust, I think I may have waited too long. I still plan on bringing some of my paintings to show off, if anyone is interested, and to try to sell (hey, might as well try) to anyone interested, whether I know the person or not. I'd just like to get my artwork out of my house and in someone else's, if not a gallery.

On the up side, I've started modeling again in the art department at my Alma Mater. They could always use models who aren't "stick figures", which is apparently what many of the female models they had been using looked like. Now, I'm not trying to belittle anyone's body size or shape, but for art school, instructors and students prefer female models with curves (think nudes from the 1600 and 1700s, or from Ancient Greece). The last time I modeled, earlier this year, while I was changing after the drawing session I heard a couple of students talking through the door (I was in a closet off the classroom) saying that, to paraphrase, "She's an amazing model, I loved the poses she did. And she looks like a Greek statue. Beautiful." That made my year and gave my confidence the boost it needed for me to do the summer semester painting class I'll be starting in a couple of weeks. I may or may not post some pictures of the students' works, depending on if I get permission to take a photo of the painting and just how much of me I'm willing to show online, even if it is a painting and not a photograph of me.

That's enough rambling for now. Although I do have one request: since I am getting back into writing but am having problems with deciding what to write, if you wouldn't mind leaving a SGA or SGU prompt in the comments, I'd love it. I just need something to get the writing muscles in shape again. Also, any SGU prompts will be my first SGU fic (I watched both seasons over 3 days while I was ill a couple of months ago), but haven't written anything yet. I'll write anything: any pairing; any rating; any situation. No guarantee on the length, but it will be something.

Thank you for reading this and for your understanding.

Rhian

PS. Apparently LJ doesn't like Google Chrome, or else I just haven't updated my journal to be compatible. Ahh, good old Firefox to the rescue.
α Mira, Mira

the long and the short of it...

So, where have I been? Most recently, I spent a few days inpatient at a local hospital's Behavioral Health Unit (AKA Psych Unit) for an acute mental health crisis.

This isn't something I usually bring up, my mental illness, so it will probably be a while before I write about it again - although I probably should more often, even if no one else reads it, just to have expressed what is going on as a part of the healing process.

I have been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and Bipolar II. Some of the diagnoses are newer than others, but none of the conditions are. Most of them I've been dealing with for over a decade, some closer to two.

Intellectually, I know what the root cause of each of them are - family pre-disposition; past events; my other health problems, especially the chronic pain; an imbalance in the neurotransmitters serotonin, norephinephrine, and dopamine; and even the medications I take for some of my physical health problems.

Anyway, since I'm being more honest here than I was in group therapy, I went in not just because I was having a really bad couple of days, but because I was starting to consider suicide as an option, after having generally torn the living room up throwing shit around (as much as I could manage) and almost strangling one of the pet rats to death. That's what I mean by having a "bad day", a short-term crisis would be the clinical description.

I could have checked myself out at any time, but I did wait until I was discharged, the docs saw that it was a short-term crisis, and once I started on some new medication that what I needed was time in a familiar environment to wait for the meds to fully kick in. That will take at least another 1-2 weeks for the meds (Cymbalta) to build up in my system, although it could take as long as 12 weeks.

I haven't really told this to anyone else because it seemed selfish, to just make any conversation about me without asking the other person "how are you doing?" So I just dropped out, stopped having any sort of contact, sitting around and doing nothing. I've been afraid of becoming another whining person on LJ going "Look at how bad my problems are. Pay attention to me. Woe is me." Part of me knows that's not what I'm doing, but the rational part of my mind isn't always in control.

Anyway, that's what's been going on. Depression = lack of creativity, which leads to doing a whole lot of nothing except withdrawing from the world. I'm working on that, it will just take time.
α Mira, Mira

DragonCon

Yep, I'll be there and hope to see some of you there. I'm Mira_Oubliette on Twitter, which might be a good way to get a hold of me.

Pics to come after the con.

Happy Holiday, everyone!